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| 01:07am 04/06/2009 |
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"Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins
Silently closing her bedroom door
Leaving the note that she hoped would say more
She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief
Quietly turning the backdoor key
Stepping outside she is free.
She (We gave her most of our lives)
is leaving (Sacrificed most of our lives)
home (We gave her everything money could buy)
She's leaving home after living alone
For so many years. Bye, bye
Father snores as his wife gets into her dressing gown
Picks up the letter that's lying there
Standing alone at the top of the stairs
She breaks down and cries to her husband Daddy our baby's gone
Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly
How could she do this to me.
She (We never thought of ourselves)
is leaving (Never a thought for ourselves)
home (We struggled hard all our lives to get by)
She's leaving home after living alone
For so many years. Bye, bye
Friday morning at nine o'clock she is far away
Waiting to keep the appointment she made
Meeting a man from the motor trade.
She (What did we do that was wrong)
is having (We didn't know it was wrong)
fun (Fun is the one thing that money can't buy)
Something inside that was always denied
For so many years. Bye, bye
She's leaving home. Bye, bye" |
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| 06:58pm 21/05/2009 |
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In a car on the driveway the conversation's colors paint themselves on canvas
White lies and motivation, we're standing oh so honestly
I'm surprised it didn't hurt your eyes
I think that 'I' is the only word in your vocabulary tonight
Those same brown eyes stare straight ahead
And I shut my hand in your door
And I looked around for a lifeline
Well I would rather have a broken arm
Than have my arms around you
Well I would rather have a broken arm
Than have my arms around you
It took a minute or two to gather all my neurotic thoughts
Before I started to talk way too loud
Loudly I thought to myself 'God, how do I find myself here again and again'
My same black eyes stare straight ahead as
I took my time with a ciggarette
Fair enough I'm still in love with the false hope of us stabbed inside my chest
Let me tell you all about it
'Cause I would rather have a punctured lung
Than waste my breath on you
Well I would rather have a punctured lung
Than waste my breath on you
Although my dear
I would rather have a broken hart
Than give up hope on you
Well I would rather have a broken heart
Than give up hope on you |
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| sleeping pills |
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| 12:33pm 15/05/2009 |
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mood:  aggravated
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"My stomach hurts, I can't sleep
What the hell's inside of me
Makes me feel this way
Almost every day
It's the way that it goes
It's such a trip that I can hide
How close I am to suicide"
Should of dumped her months ago. The second she started to withdraw from the real world. She said she just was having a bad year, and I hoped that if I stayed around and tried to comfort her, it would all work out. I all but ruined my chances with some of cutest, nicest girls I had ever known on the off chance that I could help her, and now K_____ is going to be out of town, and I'm stuck in a house with someone that makes me want to kill myself every time I see her.
I guess if you don't want help, you want get it.
I saw this coming. I mean, she only calls her family when she needs something, she has never, in two years, feed the cats, filled their watter or scooped their litter. In fact the only thing she doesn't treat like shit beneath her feet is Ragnarok Online, so what the fuck did I expect? Why the hell did I even hope that maybe she like me for once? I really should of known she'd dump me for the first guy she finds who likes RO.
"Hide the petals underneath that bedroom floorboard
and they will wither without fail or success.
Put the people in the hollow box they crafted,
bolt the doors and watch them perish.
Its a cautious descent, so polite and pensive at first.
But the only truth is change, have patience
(every hundredth year, a single breath and then its over...)
Even if only for a minute for a minute its over.
Even if only for a minute.
So brave in the face of all those roots that ruin,
to stand so tall when in fact in ruins.
To face that corner of the box and dive in,
just the sound alone of its humble breath.
A murmur from the ruins echoes softly as the roots undo, and the branch becomes..." |
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| 08:41pm 10/11/2007 |
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It might help if you talked to me. |
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| goddamn it |
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| 03:11am 10/08/2007 |
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Fuck.
every day, when I lay in my bed, my mind starts to wander. I start to see myself in the same twisted, half asleep pose, but dead. Arms ripped open, sleeping pill-full, blah blah blah.
and now that i ride my bike a lot, I always see myself quickly turning into traffic only for bloody results.
It's starting to get to me.
It's starting to drive me insane.
Its been happing far too long. I just have no one to talk to. My mother is to busy with her own shit, and with Jacob; Ashley only cares about her world, and I'm only a cosmetic part of it; Both my old roommates don't give a shit; All my male friends would just make fun of me and call me names they don't even know the roots of (emo) and hate me; and everyone else either doesn't give a shit about me or worry about me way too much for me to ever tell them. |
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| 02:20am 18/06/2007 |
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"I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save..." |
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| 12:52pm 10/06/2007 |
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"And over and over and over again,
The same failed solutions to all the same problems.
Scream, why! why!
I can't understand
Why the things that I do never go as I planned.
And the vultures begin
Their slow circling.
The dogs lick their teeth,
Bright, white, and gleaming." |
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| 11:06pm 07/06/2007 |
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Well. Shit. I have one month to either a) find a new house or b) find a new apartment. Apparently Angie has know about this for while now, but didn't see fit to tell me, until now.
Lovely.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. |
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| 08:09am 30/05/2007 |
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Who wants to organize a downtown pillow fight?
(You know you want to!) |
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| 04:32am 25/05/2007 |
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Wow. earlier this week, Kafka, one of my rats got free in my room. Now, most of you know my room or me enough to know my room is a virtual wonderland for a rat (not in a gross sort of way... just that I have a lot of stuff), so I assume that I'm never going to see the poor thing again.
Well, I was wrong. Just five minutes ago, I'm awoken because I feel little foot prints on my chest. Only half knowing what it was, I freaked, scaring the shit out of him, so he hides in the crack between the wall and my mattress, and eventually retreats to under my bed; at this point, I'm determined to catch him, so I end up ripping apart my bed and I corner him into some junk under my bed. We struggle a little and the poor guy tries to get away. finally I catch him.
yup, goodnight. |
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| 11:02pm 15/05/2007 |
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Dear Mother, we’ve all got bad days, and I know you’ll understand. Where we open up a foreign door with a pair of foreign hands. Where we find ourselves alone at the foot of a pair of foreign stairs. Dear Mother, you know how our bad days can catch us unawares. Dear Mother, we’ve all got bad days, and I hope that you’ll agree. With a bottle filled up with Vicodin and a child who looks just like me. And a cellar that’s as dark as winter’s cold (with a hole in the stone of the cold wall). A child like me who’s hiding, a child who can’t hear your call. There’s a string that runs through our bad days, and if you pull that string real tight, the days all crumple together and all that you see is night. And the doorknob becomes your enemy, and the window you see through a haze. Dear Mother, I wish you could stand inside and see all my bad days. My bad days all got together and they stood in a row for me, and I plunged deep into the row, and I couldn’t hear and I couldn’t see. And I came out after thousands rose and thousands passed away. Now I stand all alone at the foot of the stairs and I wait for more bad days. |
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| Honorary Title |
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| 08:59am 03/05/2007 |
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I'm pulled from seclusion, dragged out of our room
This construction is perfectly obstructing
Paired up and placed back on to our path
Compressed in this space that frames this awkward act
The chance to make it last, has come and gone
Glass shatters with an unsteady grip
No chance to catch the blood as it comes rushing in
Too quickly pumping out from the inside
Dripping into patterns strewn across my thigh
Each drop spreads and spells a passage
Soon I'll reclaim this dull history
The seamstress weaves shut the stitches
But re-opens the same memory
Two years have passed and nothings changed, that's alright
Still you just wait for that embrace, it's alright
There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back
There is only one thing that has yet to be said, and it's alright
But it's alright
Doesn't matter there's no reason to persist
While avoiding all but that kiss
Scraping my cheek with your passionless lips
From your side of things it's not quite over with
I don't think that you aren't anything else but the truth
Sorry, this time I've out done it
But I know that, I know that you'll lose
Two years have passed and nothings changed, that's alright
Still you just wait for that embrace, it's alright
There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back
There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back
I don't think that she noticed that there was anything wrong at all
I don't think that she noticed that there was anything wrong at all
Finally, I'm free to leave
I don't ever really want to pull and push again unless you're gonna fall
Two years have passed and nothings changed, that's alright
Still you just wait for that embrace, it's alright
There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back
There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back
There is only one thing that is yet to be said x3
There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back
There is only one thing that has yet to be said, and it's alright.
But, it's alright
Yeah, it's alright. |
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| 11:06am 14/02/2007 |
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music: The Arcade Fire- (Antichrist Television Blues)
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Man. being all grown up is kind of stressful. Bills have been horrid as of late, and Angie just doesn't pay them.
lately I've been paying my rent ($225), Utilities (anywhere from $80-$200), Heat (about $90) and garbage (around $35). Just about $450-$500 a month. If I got a car I could just move out to Lone Tree and help my mom cover her mortgage payments (I'll have to move back with her when I go back to collage anyway), and my bills would be just about the same. Even with gas.
Hell I could get a one bedroom apartment for about the same price.
Long story short; Being all grown up sucks. Worst of all; this is the rest of my life. You graduate high school and all thats left is to work 5-6 times a week to pay bills so you can simply live. And than you die.
(But damn, the new Arcade Fire album is awesome) |
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| skipping steps |
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| 02:43pm 26/01/2007 |
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Haha, when debating what my new tattoo would say, I thought about what one I would be able to explain to my children.
Like i even know if that will ever happen.
But yeah, apparently my first-born girl is going to be named Viola... |
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| God I love Gabes |
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| 11:52pm 25/01/2007 |
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Yip Yip
with The Show is a Rainbow, Redbeard
Tuesday, February 20
ages: ALL AGES
(Kelsey and Michelle, you better go to this show)
Sparta and Mewithoutyou
with Aloha
Friday, February 23
ages: ALL AGES
The Blood Brothers
with Celebration
Tuesday, March 20
(and this one too)
Pelican
with Russian Circles, Young Widows
Wednesday, March 21
ages: 19 and over
doors at 9:00 PM
ISIS
with Jesu, Zozobra
Monday, March 26
ages: ALL AGES |
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| 05:36am 24/01/2007 |
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I forgot to say: Tattoo on Friday or Saturday
Its either going to say "You'll be free, child, once you have died."
or "You can save face but you won't ever save your soul."
or "failure's always sounded better"
"We won't convince the Jury, we're guilty till we die."
debate. |
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he_kills_cupid's journal